Saturday, July 30, 2011

You Know You're Over 35 When...Nutella Secrets and Other Revelations

This is a repost from January 2010, and it's one of my favorites. 

*You write in your journal: "I don't have time to be listless, tired and fat."

*You realize not only do you have time to be listless, tired and fat, but you also have time to write about it.

*You've discovered that the extra ten pounds is socially helpful (women aren't bitches and men don't give you shit), but you lose them anyway, or you don't because you're not sure which way is better.

*You used to buy the Nutella and share it, and then you bought Nutella and hid it, and then they found it and they accused you of hiding it, and so now you buy two Nutellas and you still eat from the "house" Nutella AND your stashed Nutella.

*Your friend gives you earrings and a new top for your birthday...but she also takes you by the shoulders and says "You're still a young woman!"

*You realize that the only thing you have leverage against anyone is that they might end up on your blog. So you come home from the library thinking, "That librarian better watch her step. How dare she accuse me of putting my coffee cup on that book. I could SO write about her (and ruin her) TODAY!"

*You've learned that when a librarian gives you shit and wants to charge you $49.95 for a book, you just simply ask if there is anyone else you can talk to, but you want to say, "I will cut you."

*You write one entry in your journal for the day and it says, "Sometimes I hate the sound of people eating, most especially the sound of someone trying to get every smear of a bite out of a yogurt cup or someone trying to finish soup in a mug, especially if they are in a hurry or think they are starving."

*You write out all of the words of your text and you use punctuation: i.e.: "patience isn't a virtue, it's what I call the old me" and "say more to me than 'k'".

*You think this in the lingerie store: If I wanted to lay my tits down on twin beds, I would shop at IKEA, not Victoria's Secret. What's with all the stuffing? I'm shopping for a bra FOR my tits, not a bra WITH tits. Big difference.

*You realize that the plan you just made to go away with your girlfriends to the beach is the best plan you've had in a long, long time, but quietly you're a little dismayed that this is what Anne Rivers Siddons has always been writing about...where you and your friends are now and where you're headed. Oh geez....

*You barely have time to pick up the medication for the anxiety and lack of sleep, much less examine why you need medication for anxiety and sleep, but you really think you SHOULD make time to examine this, and thinking this makes you anxious and makes it hard to fall asleep.

*You're not afraid to recommend the hypnotism cd that's helping you fall asleep.  You would've never done that at 34.

*You don't know if it's the salt scrub or the Emergen-C, but your skin is glowing and people comment and you don't know how you'll keep your skin glowing when you spend most of your time worrying that a van is going to plow you down from the back while you are walking the dog.

*You wonder how it can be that it's almost 20 years since you've been in high school, and now suddenly, in the clicking of one year, your Facebook list is almost up to 300 and you're happy to see all their faces, and you think that it's weird that there's nothing about Facebook that freaks you out (but you see why it freaks out other people --it's because people freak out other people) and most of all, you're not amazed at what they look like, but that they're out there, now so easy to contact, and they have children--that's the part you love the most. You think your mother would've enjoyed Facebook, too, sitting quietly at the computer in the evenings, drinking wine, looking at people's pictures, saying hello in the most casual way.