Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Potentially Terrible Advice

1.  Don't go to bed angry.  Take an Ambien, write a long email, eat a bowl of cereal, stuff down your feelings, watch some reality tv and feel sorry for other people and their pathetic public lives.
2.  Try to buy my love.

3.  Keep saying, "Seriously?"  "Seriously?"  until you realize that NO ONE says it anymore.  Be the last one.  The very last one. 

4.  Next time someone asks if you've got a match say, "Yeah, my butt and your face."  But don't say it backwards like I do ("your butt and my face") because with your luck he'll be an NBA player and he'll think it's (good hair and no edge) cute, and he'll fall in love with you and want to marry you on television, and it won't work out, and I just don't have the energy to pick up your pieces again.

5. Ask your new doctor why he doesn't offer champagne and small talk before your annual like your old doctor did. 

6.  Go to important conferences and lean back really quickly in swively chairs.  

7.  Tell important people that you don't admire them, but then catch yourself and say, "I meant to say, ENVY you.  I don't ENVY you.  Sorry...do you want some more wine?" 

8.  Try to walk the line, toe the line, sign on the dotted line, break in line, be safe online, or firm-up your bottom line.

9.   Wear something mid-calf or shake your fist at the gods (same thing).  

10.  Sit cross-legged for a LONG time and then try to run for the phone.