This short sketch was performed on Saturday, November 17 at Late Night at Live Arts. I was lucky to have a fabulous cast: Miller Murray Susen (Heidi), Jon Cobb (Chloe) and Jen Downey (Jenny). It was directed by Mendy St. Ours (Tammy and Tina's legal guardian).
Lazy Saturday Mornings
by DeeDee Stewart
Cast: Three ladies, Chloe, Heidi, and Jenny, in their 30s-40s
Scene: Saturday morning at a city market. Nanci Griffith’s song, “I Love This Town” is playing as the three women are shopping separately. They dance informally as if it’s a low-key 3-person flash mob.
Heidi: (squeals) Shut the front door, Chloe! I totally had a vision last night that I would see you here.
Chloe: I love this sweater! (sweetly suspicious) Did you make this?
Chloe: It’s gorgeous. How long does one of those take you?
Heidi: I’m slow. Took me all evening. I started it as soon as I walked in the door, before I got the Cauliflower-Saffron soup started -- oh, have I sent you that?
Jenny walks up.
Jenny: This is why I love the market!
Heidi and Chloe hug her.
Chloe: No way. Heidi was just talking about Cauliflower-Saffron soup. Definitely email that to me.
Jenny: Yummm. Send it to me too, if that’s okay.
Chloe: I’ll blog about it.
Heidi does it from her phone.
Jenny: Oh, I love your blog.
Chloe: I started a new one. I’m blogging about EACH email I get. Each one.
Heidi: That’s huge!
Jenny: That’s awesome!
Heidi: Those donuts smell SO good. I’m starving.
Jenny: God, I wish. I’m off flour and sugar and cotton and plastic. Just until Syria calms down.
Chloe: (to Heidi) Are you still training?
Heidi: (groaning) Yes. I’m doing that 300 Mile Race Across the Desert for Glaucoma Awareness in Nevada next week.
Jenny: Did you read that article about how you can get glaucoma from just LOOKING at dyed flowers? Just looking.
Chloe: Insane. (to Heidi) Send me the information about the race. I’ll organize my neighbors and I’ll text all the elementary school parents in Virginia and I bet we could raise $100,000 before you fly out.
Jenny: And I should get you this wax. For your lips. My mom orders it from Africa. It’s from the sweat off monkey’s balls. Um. It’s incredible.
Heidi: That would be tremendous you guys (pushing buttons on her phone). Okay. I just sent you all the info. There you go. (to Jenny) Where’s Claudia?
Jenny: (sighing, proudly) She’s in an emergency evacuation plan event-- it’s the new flash mob, you know-- since the hurricane -- her 4th grade class has been crazy with it. They’re practicing at UVA. 10 years-old and she’s carrying a 300 lb. bypass patient down 20 flights of stairs.
Jenny: Bill’s with her -- making a documentary. If he doesn’t take forever editing it -- perfectionist -- we’ll have it ready for the screening at the Paramount by tomorrow night. I hope you guys can stop by.
Heidi: I will definitely check that out. I’m going to chill tonight. Phil is redesigning the house -- we’re going minimalist -- so I’ll be on my own. I’m going to make 50 batches of dried tomato pesto.
Jenny: I love your dried tomato pesto. (to Chloe) Have you had her dried tomato pesto?
Chloe: Now I have to have it.
Heidi: I’ll bring you guys some!
Jenny and Chloe: No, no.
Heidi: It’s easy. After I re-roof the chicken coop, I’ll drop it off tonight.
Jenny: (wincing) Umm...
Heidi: Not in plastic, not in plastic! I’ll walk it over across town in my bare hands in the middle of the night and you can scrape it off into whatever container is best.
Jenny: Well, if it’s easy.
Chloe: You are awesome.
Jenny: I’ll be up. I’ve been building a search engine to compete with Google -- every night until 3am -- I can barely get up in time to make those fucking organic veggie frittatas and--
Chloe: You know what, we push ourselves too hard.
Jenny: (huge sigh) I’m glad someone said it.
Heidi (bursting into tears): You’re right. I’m overwhelmed.
Chloe: I’m exhausted.
Jenny: It’s too much. Way too much.
Heidi: Why do we just keep pushing and pushing and pushing? It’s sick. I’m sick!
Chloe: Well, then all of our friends are sick, too.
Jenny: We’re not alone, that’s for sure.
Chloe: (totally fried) I can’t even take a shit without thinking of a new project!
Jenny: You know what...We should get everyone together to talk about the pressures of being a woman in such a driven, intellectual, multi-talented, organic-minded environment.
Chloe: Let’s keep it to 10 women. No, 250.
Heidi: I could send everyone invitations on paperless post. Hell, I’ll just make the paper myself.
Chloe: We could rent a barn for the weekend so everyone could just get away.
Jenny: Let’s build a barn!
Heidi: Perfect! I could get certified to teach yoga so I could host a yoga session. That would be really relaxing.
Jenny: I’ll build a sacred space in the barn for the yoga.
Chloe: And we have to have wine.
Jenny: Good wine!
Heidi: The best, most relaxing wine. To pick that out, let’s do a wine-tasting every Tuesday for the next 4 Tuesdays...”Tuesday Tastings at 4”.
Chloe: I can’t do 4.
Jenny: I can do 5:04.
They all type it into their phones.
Chloe: Just let me email you guys, myself and my higher power.
Heidi: I’m SO glad we ran into each other.
Chloe: Me, too. I love these lazy Saturday mornings. Have you tried those coconut oil bars? They’re amazing...
Beginning to walk towards the coconut oil bars, they chat these last few lines as they’re walking away.
Jenny: (to Chloe) You smell wonderful by the way.
Chloe: Oh, I started my own essential oils line last month.
Heidi: That’s so cool. I read it was time-consuming to extract all the oils.
Jenny: But totally worth it.
Chloe: So worth it...you have to do it right...
“I Love This Town” comes up again...the ladies dance off.
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